


I Am Ashes Where I Was Once Fire

by QueenOfAllCorgis



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Family abandonment (not by choice), Fatherhood, Hermann and Newton had a daughter, M/M, Married Hermann and Newton, Mind Control, Possession, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, threats towards a child
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:54:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,906
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28371204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfAllCorgis/pseuds/QueenOfAllCorgis
Summary: They had a family together. A beautiful daughter right after the war when they thought the world would be safe.Two years after she was born, Newton left.--Possessed!Newt story arch with a Geiszler-Gottlieb baby.
Relationships: Newton Geiszler/Hermann Gottlieb
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. Fire

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm four months pregnant and I have found myself looking for ways to make me cry. Maybe I'm just wanting to feel melancholy. Basically anything makes me cry anyway. I'll just say that I cried while writing this, enjoy!

They talked about it, on and off, for years before the end of the war.

A baby. Someone to complete their family. Someone they could raise and love and cherish. It sounded like such an impossible dream. Why would they want to bring a child into this world? Everything seemed so fragile, so uncertain. Their lives in a knife’s edge.

And then they won.

And the future didn’t seem so impossible.

A month after the close of the breach they decided to go for it. Research was done and a surrogate was found. A few awkward visits to rooms with cups and magazines and the test came back positive. There was a life, a person, that was _theirs._

“It’s gonna be a girl,” Newton said with a warm smile, unable to tear his eyes away from the framed sonogram he kept on his bedside table.

“There is a fifty-fifty chance,” Hermann replied. “It could be a boy.”

“Nah. It’s gonna be a girl and we need to pick out a badass lady scientist to name her after,” the younger man turned around and grinned up at him. Hermann’s chest warmed and he couldn’t help but smile back.

“Ada,” he offered. “After Ada Lovelace.”

“You just want to name her that because she’s a mathematician. Not denying her contributions to society though,” Newton held up a finger as Hermann started to argue. “I’d just rather not name her after someone who’s dad was an insane poet who had multiple affairs and left the family. Don’t want to follow in those footsteps.”

Hermann felt himself soften at the muttered confession. There was still a wound left by his mother leaving that had never really been healed. He lifted Newton’s hand to his lips and pressed a kiss to the knuckles.

“You will be an amazing father Newton,” he whispered. “Truly amazing.”

Marie Curie Geiszler-Gottlieb was born six months later.

Newton left two years after that.

_____________

Newton was coming. Newton was coming to the Shatterdome and Hermann was breathless with anticipation.

Part of him wanted to reconnect with his husband (were they still husbands after all this time?). He wanted to see those warm eyes, hold his hand and show him how much Marie had grown. He hadn’t seen her since she was nearly two, would he even recognize the beautiful young lady she was growing up to be?

Another part of him wanted to scream and push and _hurt._ He wanted to demand answers. What reason did Newton have to leave their family, to leave his daughter? To work for a billion dollar tech company? To live in an exclusive high rise?

He didn’t want to know the answer.

He desperately did.

When he first laid eyes on Newton he hardly recognized him. He was lean in a way that didn’t fit him, all sharp angles and harsh lines. The sunglasses shielded his eyes and his haircut probably cost more than Hermann’s first car did.

But what really hurt was the way he recoiled a bit when Hermann came up to him. Honestly, he wasn’t sure what he expected. Did he expect Newton to beg forgiveness? To fall into his arms? To kiss him until nothing else mattered?

To ask about their daughter?

Instead he rambled on and on to a clearly uninterested Newton, dragging him to his lab like an overeager child. Newton looked over the notes with a frown on his face before he brushed off Hermann’s theories. It stung to hear Newton tell him how his fuel wouldn’t work, that he shouldn’t even try.

“Are you going back after this?” Hermann asked weakly, holding his notes to his chest as Newton lightly touched the kaiju figurines. “Or could we get dinner or-“

“I have to go back,” Newton said simply.

“Oh…I thought just maybe…maybe we could talk about Marie?” There wasn’t even a flicker of interest in Newton’s face. “I have pictures and I would love to tell you about her. She’s amazing Newton, really she is. She-“

“You should come over next time you’re in town,” Newton interrupted. “Just you. You can meet Alice.”

Alice?

Who the hell is Alice?

It was then that Hermann realized Newton wasn’t wearing his wedding ring and everything crashed around him.

It was then that the tiny spark of hope he had was snuffed out.

_________________________

The thing watching him with Newton’s eyes was _not Newton._

It was still painful, horrifically so, but Hermann grit his teeth and tried to push it aside. There was a part of him, a guilty part, that felt unbearably relieved. Newton hadn’t left them. Newton hadn’t ignored his child and abandoned his family. Newton hadn’t left _him._

But what to do now?

How could he get his husband back? Away from that ranting, raving creature that had tried to destroy the world? It seemed impossible. How much of Newton was even left there?

But then Hermann remembered the heartbreak, the agony, in those eyes as they shifted from too bright blue to green. He remembered the way Newton’s voice trembled. He remembered the way the his fingers shook as they traced his collarbone before he fled.

Newton was there.

Hermann was going to get him out.

“You sure you’re up for this?” Jake asked, his expression so like his father’s that Hermann was struck with a wave of nostalgia.

“I am.”

“Listen Doc, it’s going to be rough,” Jake rubbed his face and Hermann wondered how much sleep the man had gotten in the past few days. “And we’re not even sure how to bring him out of this. We might not ever be able to.”

Hermann nodded gravely. He refused to grieve for the man before he knew he was lost. He had held onto that hope for years after all.

When he walked into the room he had to suppress a shudder at the icy glare that followed him. The Precursors (he would _not_ call it Newton) cocked their head a bit and narrowed their eyes like they were trying to solve a puzzle. Newton would have never stayed quiet, not like this, was it was unnerving.

“I’m here to talk to Newton,” he said, proud of his voice for not wavering. The Precursors raised an eyebrow and a slow, sly smile spread across his face.

“Then talk, we’re sure that he’s in here somewhere,” the Precursors pouted mockingly. “At least some of him is.”

Something painful twisted in his gut but Hermann pressed on. “We’re researching ways to help you. We are going to find a way to help you.”

Newton’s face was pulled into an expression of surprise. “Help me? Well, I’m doing just fine Herms.”

“And I think they are very close to finding a solution,” Hermann continued. “I just wanted to come in and talk to you for a bit. See if…”

“Aw, that’s so sweet Hermann,” the Thing cooed.

Newton’s fingers twitched, curling in where they were restrained to the arms of the chair. The movement brought Hermann’s attention to the tan line around Newton’s bare ring finger and the creature grinned again.

“We threw it out like so much trash. It didn’t go with the appearance we were cultivating…such a little trinket. It went out with the band shirts, and the guitar, and the baby photos,” it drew out the last word with a sneer.

Something unfurled in Hermann’s chest and he fought against the urge to strike the creature in front of him. He hated the way it forced Newton’s face into such an uncomfortable expression, the mocking light in its eyes so foreign.

And so he pulled off his own ring and placed it on Newton’s finger. The Precursors tried to curl his fingers in, tried to fight against Hermann’s insistent hold. It hissed when he finally got the band around his finger.

“You think this changes things?” It snarled. “You think he will come back to you, weep and fall into your arms? You stupid, stupid man. We will get out and we will finish what we started. We will choke the life from you. Then we will go after your girl and do the same to her.”

Blood began to drip from his nose, falling onto the silk shirt he was wearing. His fingers twitched and he threw his head from side to side, cracking it on the headrest. Panic flared through Hermann and he stood, only to have blood spat at him.

The room was flooded by a mix of soldiers and medical personnel, the later who readied syringes of sedatives.

“I’m going to help you Newton,” Hermann said, fighting back tears. “I’m going to get you back and everything is going to be alright. You have to fight, you have to keep your fire, you-“

“I-I am…ashes where I was once fire,” the Thing ground out. Hermann shook his head and watched helplessly as Newton’s eyes rolled back and he slumped in his seat. A sob caught in his throat and he turned to leave.

Somehow Hermann managed to get to a bathroom before completely losing it. He sobbed until his chest ached and his head pounded. With shaky hands he pulled out his phone and typed in the last thing the creature said to him. The words sounded familiar and lacked the mocking edge that the Precursors usually had.

I am ashes where I was once fire.

A quote from Lord Byron, father of Ada Lovelace.

The father who had abandoned his daughter and destroyed his family.

The pain spiked through Hermann fast enough to leave him gasping for air. Newton was there, Newton was afraid and hating himself. How lonely, how devastating it must be.

Tonight, Hermann was going to go home and relieve his sister. He was going to tuck his daughter into bed and kiss her goodnight. He was going to be able to escape this.

Tonight, Newton was going to remained restrained to a chair remembering the threats and promises that his mouth had spat out just hours earlier. He was going to be alone.

He wouldn’t be alone for long. Hermann would make sure of that. 


	2. Ashes

“I have a new story to tell you tonight. It’s about two people in love.”

“I like those stories.”

“Once upon a time the world was attacked by monsters. Brave men fought them, creating weapons that would drive the monsters back from where they came from.”

“That sounds like the kaiju and the jaegers.”

“Hush, no this is a fairy tale. The brave men fought against the monsters but the war was turning against them. More and more monsters came from the other world and the brave men were starting to lose. Then a prince, one who never fought in a war or held a sword, had an idea. He was a man of science and he thought that he could find a way to win the war.”

“Was that prince you vati?”

“No liebling. I would never be so irresponsible. This prince didn’t like following rules, he liked going his own way. He stepping into the monster’s mind and found a weakness. It was dangerous, very dangerous, but he did it anyway. He knew that it was the only way they could win against the monsters.”

“Did they win?”

“Yes. He found the secret and the door to the monsters’ home was shut forever. He married another prince and they had a beautiful little princess. Everything was perfect.”

“That doesn’t sound like the end of the story.”

“It isn’t unfortunately. The monsters were clever. They weren’t done with our world yet. They dug their claws into the prince’s mind and made him leave the other prince and princess. It broke the other prince’s heart but he couldn’t give up on him. He fought against the monsters even though he was scared. He saved his love and the family came together again.”

“That’s a nice ending. Why do all the fairy tales have nice endings?”

“It’s so we have something to hope for my dear.”

________________________________

It took almost a month to get the higher ups to approve of the equipment.

In that month the Precursors had really done some damage to Newton’s body. They refused to eat until his lean lines became on the edge of emaciated. The doctors had to supplement him with IV feeding, the only thing keeping him from wasting into nothing.

When the interrogations got to be too much the Precursors started hurting him. A line of stitches ran along Newton’s eyebrow where they had headbutted a ranger who had gotten too close. There were a series of bruises from where his body had flung itself against the restraints in a rage.

They had even pulled so strongly and so sharply against the cuffs that his wrist had snapped. White bone pierced the skin as it shrieked in hysterical laughter.

Still, his shadowed eyes narrowed when Hermann followed the equipment in. The casted arm (neon green, Hermann figured Newton would appreciate it) thumped against the chair arm and Hermann’s ring glinted in the low light.

“Bringing us a new toy to play with?” The slippery, oily voice sounded so wrong coming out of Newton’s mouth. A sneer was fixed on his face but his eyes locked onto the equipment. There was a false wave of calm but Hermann could see the nerves.

It didn’t like the unknown.

Hermann didn’t say a word, didn’t fall for the bait, but stared it down as they finished setting up. He wanted to see the panic in its eyes when it realized what they were doing.

There it was.

The moment the cap was placed on Newton’s head its eyes widened and he snarled. Curses were spat, it forced Newton’s body to thrash violently, and it tried desperately to shake it off. A hysterical laugh ripped from Newton’s throat when Hermann sat in the opposite chair and put on his own cap.

“You? You are the best they have?” Its voice cracked. “And when I shred your mind as well, who will be left for your child? She will grow up _all alone_.”

“Go,” Hermann nodded to the technician and the Precursors’ hisses were cut off as they were thrust into electric blue.

Okay.

Okay. Focus.

The Precursors surged around him, furious and violent. It felt like they were grasping at him, talons shredding his flesh and ripping. It was all consuming, suffocating and smothering. It was so easy to get overwhelmed and buried. It was so easy to fall and never get back up.

But hidden among the monstrous shrieks and pain, there was Newton.

There was a tiny glimmer of light under the sea of dark and hurt. A spark that he hadn’t seen in years and Hermann grasped onto it.

He brought up every memory he could, fanning that little spark. He thought about the way Newton’s hands trembled when he was handed Marie at the hospital, the way Hermann felt like everything clicked into place.

He thought of the way Newton shrieked across the apartment when she smiled for the first time, him on his hands and knees cooing at her.

He thought about the way he would softly sing 80s rock ballads to her to get her to go to sleep, bouncing her lightly in his arms.

_If you’re lost you can look and you will find me…time after time…if you fall, I will catch you, I’ll be waiting…time after time_

The voices started screaming louder but Hermann couldn’t help smile. That was Newton’s off tune rendition of Cyndi Lauper, he knew it.

He doubled down his efforts.

He thought of Marie’s first few steps. Newton sitting on the floor with his arms spread out wide and eyes brimming with pride. The little girl fell into his arms and he swept her up to press kisses to her face.

He couldn’t think of anything after that. He couldn’t think of the way Marie cried herself to sleep for days after Newton left. He couldn’t think of the way Newton shook his head, eyes cold, and said that “he never wanted this”.

_I’m sorry_

It wasn’t you. Hermann pressed the thought again and again. Just come back to us.

He could feel it, the way Newton was clawing his way to the surface. The light was growing brighter despite the way the Precursors pushed back. Hermann focused on that light, focusing on it until it burned his eyes and caused his vision to white out a bit.

No Precursors.

No hateful yellow eyes and fanged snarls.

Just a light and a warm hand wrapping around his own.

The light vanished and he blinked in the dim interrogation room. He could feel warmth dripping from his nose down his lip, staining red spots on his shirt.

Across from him Newton was panting, a nosebleed streaming down his face as well. One eye was ringed with red in a way so similar to a decade ago. Desperate, Hermann stared at him. He ignored the questions fired to him from the doctors and Jake Pentecost alike.

Would they laugh in his face, spit Newton’s blood at him and mock him? Would they hurt Newton further?

Then the shock faded and instead of rage and hate he saw…Newton.

“Hermann,” Newton’s voice cracked and a bloodied tear trickled down his cheek.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”


End file.
